Shit. Did I blow it?

First the “good” news. I have two interviews next week for jobs I applied for back in April. Theatre jobs. One is as a professor at Maricopa Community College in Chandler, AZ. The other is for a Health, Interactive Theatre Educator at University Texas-Austin. Which is a fabulous place. Now, I’ve never had any desire to live in the southern part of the country, but I applied to these jobs because they were of interest in April. However, now I’m in NYC with great plans for the future! I’m not actually going to worry too much, because I don’t have any job at the moment, so any interview is good and the chips can fall where they may.

Now the screw up. During the last month at work before and after my exploratory trip to NYC meeting staffing agencies, I sent out tons of resumes. I mean like five to ten a day to places listed on Indeed.com, and Glassdoor, etc. It took me awhile to realize that using the platform itself was a black hole, so I started going to the actual company websites – some of which worked, some did not – to apply for the jobs posted on the Indeed. This in itself would be weird, because sometimes the job wasn’t posted at all, or it was posted three months ago, but listed as “new” on Indeed.com. (Intricacies of the mundane.)

When I met with the four different staffing agencies in May I asked them if it kosher to work with more than one. One place, the second I met with, told me the point was to be sure no two places sent me to the same company. She then gave me the name of the two law firms she worked with so I’d know. The fourth place I went to (the happy, encouraging place) told me they’d want to send me to one of those companies and I dutifully told her the other place had first dibs. Fine. They were all cool. I went back to Kzoo, and continued sending through Indeed on my own. About a week later I sent my resume to a law firm directly and it wasn’t until after I’d done it that I realized the name sounded familiar. I went home and checked my notes and, sure enough, it was one of the two names the agency had given me. I didn’t really know what to do about it, so I did nothing, and Yikes! Last night I got an email from the agency asking me if I’d already submitted to XXX because they had tried to submit me and XXX already had my resume. Shit. I confessed that I had, in confusion probably done this. Which is the truth. I feel like I’m in trouble. This is the same agency that got me the testing I did on Wednesday and am still waiting to hear about. I suppose, if I get that job the agency will get their fee and no harm done. But if I don’t they might see me as unreliable and I feel like I betrayed them too.

This all goes back to when I was nine years old, in fifth grade. Back then, in Mrs. Meyers class, “good” students were rewarded by getting to help the lunch ladies serve lunch every day. (In retrospect, a perfect example of how screwed up our capitalist system is, but I digress.) For some forgotten reason I really wanted to help the lunch ladies. I wanted to be one of those lucky students. In a moment of nine-year-old initiative I went to one of the lunch ladies and asked her if I could be an aid. But later that day, Mrs. Meyers held me after class and chastised me for essentially going over her head instead of waiting to be assigned the honor. I tell you, this experience stunted my ability to take initiative for years.

That’s how I sort of feel now. In trouble for going over someone’s head. And now I’m in the doldrums of the weekend where nothing can happen.

My outing today was Macy’s. No real quest, but a desire for more “interview” worthy clothes. I found some things. I have to say that out of all the stores that are smaller here and bigger in the Midwest Macy’s contradicts that. It is huge! Very difficult to find anything, and what was I thinking going on a Saturday when it’s full of tourists. Still, an adventure is an adventure. I spent about two hours poking around, looking for cooler clothes to wear to interviews.

As I made my way home I was overcome with a sense of homesickness – which felt like futileness. What am I doing here away from my love? What am I really accomplishing? I know nothing promising can happen until the work week starts again, but right now I’m feeling lost.

This feeling was compounded when I got back to the apartment and for the first time both roommates are home. The one I’ve talked to about my interviews and such who seemed so friendly told me that she has a friend coming to look at my space on Sunday for possible rental on August 1st. She had texted me this the other morning. I reminded her that I hadn’t decided whether to stay for August yet, but expected to make that decision soon, as we’d discussed I have a July 1st deadline to decide. She pointed out to me that anyone who was willing to take on the full year lease trumped my staying for August. She then pointed out that I was wearing shoes (Birkenstocks), and the rule is no shoes in the apartment because of noise and cleanliness. I’d been trying to get around that one as it hurts to go barefoot (falling arches). And I’d justified the noise part as for heels. But, I’m in my slippers now, afraid to step on toes again. I can’t argue, as I agree with her, but it intensified the feeling of alienation. Then it all comes down to if I get a job here or in another state.

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